I threw the first and only punch. Her blonde hair went wild and I knew instantly I had made a mistake. My older brothers and father had been encouraging my right hook, and I took this moment to put my new technique to use. She looked at me with a mixture of disappointment and fear while I challenged her to make the next move. She did. She walked right out of the room and I didn’t talk to her for the next few days. We had been fighting for weeks. About what, I am still to this day unsure but I feel that at that exact moment, I was rebelling against everything she represented throughout our twenty years together. The whole experience made me realize who I was and who I didn’t want to be. I didn’t want to be a replica, a pair. I wanted to be an individual, and an artist, which is the farthest thing from what my sister represented. She had always been popular, accepted, normal and outgoing. I was not.
“Gay Sex”. That was the title of my upcoming short film I had written, produced, directed and edited for my final project in the production one class offered at my local film school. I was very proud of my work and put a great amount off effort into my piece, needless to say it was close to me. Personally, I thought it was brilliant. It was about a young boy trying to come out as a homosexual to his parents while they confuse his confession for a curiosity in sex and decide to discuss the birds and the bees with him. The film was to be shown at a local theater as a semi-film premiere for all the students. I was ecstatic to show my work to others. However, my teacher was not. He insisted I changed the title to something more demure. I felt differently. I refused to believe that ideas, and thus art, should be edited. Even though I respected him greatly and did not disregard his opinions in a rude way, I simply did not change my title. Rebelling against norms via film and being able to discuss sensitive subjects through art is one of the main reasons for my passion for filmmaking. I am able to rebel against certain expectations and am not expected to edit my thoughts or art.
My sister met Chase the same day I did. We both had the same initial reaction. We were intrigued. He was wearing the bottoms of his shorts atop his head while chewing gum with a mouth full of braces. He was drunk and we were eleven years old. Chase had been my brother’s friend for quite some time and he had always been mysterious. I had never seen him until that day but had heard stories from the people around me. My mother had warned me about him and told me never to go near him. Which of course made me want to know him even more. My brother and even some of his friends would tell incriminating stories about Chase and his many romantic conquests. Many years later my brother would personally diagnose Chase as a sociopath, ending their friendship. However, I have stayed close friends with Chase for many years.
There is not a particular story involving him that has influenced my filmmaking. Instead, it has simply been him. I knew and still know to this day that he is troubled. His family dynamics are unstable and his constant drug use is not praiseworthy, but he is honest. Throughout our years together I have looked beyond his troubles to find the good in him. I have even been involved in months long fights with my brother over Chase’s character. My argument: “You don’t know him the way I know him.” My brother’s argument: “You don’t know him the way I know him.” True. But I choose to know him in a softer light. I have taken the chance of getting hurt by him in order to experience the great things he is able to offer me. He is charismatic, artistic, loving, spontaneous and beautiful. He has enabled me to open my mind to all sorts of people and to accept them for who they are.
I am in the process of writing a feature length film about the relationship I have had with Chase. Focusing on the positive of a person who no one believes to be true and real. That script is not the only part of my filmmaking that has been inspired by him. Whenever I am trying to understand a character or write about a character, I look at the good and the bad of that person and see them as more than one-dimensional. I am also able to work well with others on set because I focus on the positive instead of the negative. I have been open-minded about the people I meet, which creates a better working experience and greater art.
My childhood was filled with family dinners. My father would cook and friends would join in on the festivities. During one such occasion, I was lingering around the kitchen with friends including my sister, brother and Chase when I heard a strange noise. It wasn’t a crunching sound, nor really a slicing sound. It was just a messy sound. I looked in the direction of the noise in time to see the knife slice right through his thumb. My father had been cutting with such force that when the knife accidently came in contact with his thumb, it sliced it clean off. I looked on, stunned. He yelled out in pain but was so self medicated from tequila at that point, I highly doubt he felt much of anything. His yell was more for dramatic effect. My mother stood in disbelief and disgust. My brother threw him a kitchen towel that he quickly applied to the bleeding, gnarled thumb. My mother tried to encourage him to go to the hospital for stitching and blood
but he refused. He was a stubborn old man. Instead, he thought of a brilliant plan that involved super glue and a plethora of gauze bandages. He wrapped his glued thumb all nice and neat, took a shot of tequila and went back on cooking. Unfazed. So for the next few months, my father glued his thumb and refused to see a doctor. Eventually it healed as best it could even though it looks tragically deformed. I have never sliced my own thumb off but figuratively speaking I have shot myself in the foot a few times. Last semester I decided to enroll in CTPR 479 and take the position of production designer for the shoot. I didn’t realize the magnitude of work involved and started to second-guess my decision. It was my first semester at USC, I was taking 18 units and I had no experience in production design. The majority of the students in the class were production graduate students. I was not even accepted into the film program yet. I was completely out of my league and wondered how the hell I even got in the class. Then, towards the beginning of the semester, the director, director of photography and production designer had to give a presentation on the look of the film. We were eaten alive. Not only the class but also the teachers attacked every color, camera movement, and character description we had presented. I was mortified and wanted to drop the class but didn’t. If my father can chop off his thumb and keep on cooking, I could get knocked down and keep on going. Later in the semester I was called on to give a presentation on my model for the set. Needless to say I was terrified. I tried to weasel my way out of it but since it was in the syllabus, it was critical I present. I drank coffee before and was hyped out of my mind. I gave the presentation at the beginning of class (thank God) and waited for the torture. But it never came. Instead, they praised my work. It might have been the coffee, but after that presentation I was off the charts giddy.
That is why I love film. Not because of the acknowledgement you get when you have done a good job, or even a bad job, but the element of surprise, of mystery, of pain and of accomplishment. The way that I am able to be myself behind the camera. To see whom I am up on that screen when my films are played. Through filmmaking I am able to share my vision regardless if it appeals to others or not. Filmmaking allows me to rebel against everything I am not and truly be myself. I am able to share my view of people with others and show different depths and sides of individuals. Filmmaking challenges me, pushing me to the very brink. Making me ask myself if this is what I really want. But I do want it and need it. I need film in my life the way I need my sister, my best friend and my father. Like filmmaking, they are an outlet for me, a mirror into who I am and a learning experience.
Filmmaking is an individual and my relationship with filmmaking has been defined by my relationship with others. All the fears, tears, anxiety, pressure and beauty of a personal bond are present in my relationship with filmmaking. They, in the most general sense, are why I make art.
